How to Confidently Talk About Your Fetishes with Your Partner

Fetishes are like secret gardens. They’re more common than you think, but not everyone dares to explore them.

However, if you do take the plunge, your most exciting and fulfilling sex life could be just around the corner!

Now, don’t get us wrong … we understand that getting there is harder than simply opening a metaphorical gate. We really do. Fetishes are often stigmatized, which makes talking about them difficult. Even if you’re in a long-term relationship and you feel like your partner knows you better than anyone, it’s tricky to gauge the right time to bring up the possibly taboo topic of fetishes.

Enter this handy guide. We’re here to help you muster up the courage to openly discuss your fetish(es) with your partner without shame or fear of judgment. After all, nothing’s sexier than respectful communication and mutual understanding.

 

Step 1 – Get Intimate … With Your Thoughts

Before you talk to your partner, you’ll need to sit down with yourself so you can really learn to understand and own your fetish(es).

Take some time to reflect what your fetishes mean to you and why they excite you. After all, how will your partner get it if you don’t?

Maybe you’re turned on by a particular body part you’ve always felt drawn to, an object or a piece of clothing that’s stirred something in you for as long as you can remember, or you’ve been curious about a certain activity for a while.

This exercise is also a good opportunity for you to explore any personal shame or hesitation you might feel before you talk to your partner. Sharing your fetishes will be a vulnerable experience, but the more preparation you have and the more confident you feel going into it, the smoother the conversation will go.

You can do some research or look into communities that also share your fetish for solidarity and introspection. Reading someone else’s story might help you better connect with your own.

 

Step 2 – Set The Scene & Prepare for the Conversation

Once you feel like you’re in a good place with yourself, you can start to focus on what talking to your partner will look like.

Think of the time and place where you’ll both feel most comfortable. We recommend a calm, private setting that will help you feel at ease and comes with minimal distractions. Maybe it’ll be your bedroom during a quiet evening in, or a private spot outdoors on a day off.

During this phase, you should also mentally prepare yourself for the vulnerability of the whole experience and think of any possible follow-up questions your partner may have. Not everything will play out like you imagine in your head, but at least you’ll go into the conversation prepared.

And, most importantly, remember that a loving partner cares about your pleasures and desires, and will want to work with you to make your sex life more fulfilling. They might even have fetishes of their own that they’ve been secretly wanting to share!

 

Step 3 – Dive In and Initiate the Talk

When you’re feeling ready, rip the bandaid off and go for it. This will be one of those conversations where there may never feel like a right or perfect time, so gather up your courage and dive in.

The talk itself should be a balancing act of sharing your desires while taking your partner’s feelings and perspective into consideration – let them know it’s about both of you!

• Start off with a casual statement, like “you know what I’ve been curious about lately?” or “can I tell you about something that I think would turn me on?”
• Use clear, non-accusatory “I” statements like “I feel excited by …” or “I would be interested in …”
• Explain what turns you on about the fetish – this is where the soul-searching comes in handy
• Give contextual media references, like “remember that scene in [insert movie]? I’m curious about trying something like that out, what do you think?”
• Show them examples; some people get nervous about fetishes because they might not know much about them, so giving your partner actual examples of what you’re looking for can ease the confusion
• Talk about your fetish in a fun way – after all, that’s what it’s meant to be!

 

Creating a Judgment-Free Zone

If you’ve been holding back because of a fear of judgment, you’re not alone. This is probably the biggest reason people don’t share their fetishes with their partners (or anyone). Make sure your conversation is a safe, judgment-free, and mutually respectful zone from the start.

Before you get into your fetish, let them know you’re about to get vulnerable by telling them. Say something along the lines of “I’ll be honest, I’m a bit nervous to share this with you, but I want to know your thoughts.”

Encourage your partner to share their desires too, and let them know that you care about their concerns. Open up the space for them by asking them if there is anything they have been fantasizing about or if there’s anything they want to try out.

 

Respecting Boundaries & Comfort Levels

Your partner may not be 100% on board with your fetish from the get-go, and that’s ok. The best sex happens when both partners feel comfortable and respected, so fulfilling your fetish may be something that you work towards. For example, if you’re interested in bondage, you might start out with tying up your partner’s hands with a light scarf before going any deeper.

Establish what your boundaries and comfort levels are as a couple by asking questions like “how do you feel about exploring this?” or “would you be open to doing this?”

If your partner isn’t immediately on board, acknowledge and accept it. You know from initiating this conversation that stepping outside of your comfort zone is hard! They may just need time, or they may need to do their own research. Whatever their reason may be, it’s valid.

 

Navigating Differences in Desire

Your partner may not share your fetish, and that’s also ok. Come into the conversation prepared to discuss alternatives if your partner isn’t ready for certain elements of your fetish.

You can find ways around it by practising compromise and finding ways to incorporate aspects of your fetish that make you both feel comfortable. Maybe your partner is ok with watching rather than doing, so you can watch themed erotica together. Assure your partner that you’re only comfortable and happy as long as they are.

 

Step 4 – Keep the Conversation Flowing

Whew, give yourself a pat on the back! You’ve gotten through the hardest part by having the conversation with your partner, which has likely paved the way for more open and honest communication in the future.

Building ongoing communication is crucial for a healthy relationship in and out of the bedroom, so don’t be afraid to regularly check in with your partner when you have something you want to share.

Remember, a garden only thrives when it’s tended to.